What am I worth?

A book and a lamp

I think as I pull back the remote, heading downstairs.

All this time

is that what I've been worth? To him?

His cheap hoarded junk food and his precious reading materials

I turn and look forlornly down the hallway.

I love reading too.

I love a good snack and a lamp and a nice story to curl up to

A character to dive into, a monster I can slay.

Because monsters in books are easier to face than the indecisive gray

The gray I face day to day

Gray shades that line the hallways,

Gray - the difference between black and white.

Yes, a story is good and a snack is even better

But in all my time of living and reading, I know enough to know that there are some things that not even books can replace or teach you

They can guide you but there are some things you have to learn on your own

They're a lovely distraction, a warm home you can escape to

But they can't replace the truth

The facts that already exist.

For instance -- one fact I'm learning is

if I want life and not death, true real joy and not false, I'm going to have to let go of some things and push forward.

To make my dreams and hopes reality

To make myself whole

I'm going to have to stop waiting for other people to tell me which direction to go

and hoist the sails of my own soul

To mend the questions of doubt and harm and pain and wanting and waiting and hoping and straying and taking

I'm going to have to grow

I'm going to have to see that the answer to my self worth isn't out there in another human being

It's in who I am. Inside of me.

It won't be easy, setting myself free.

No, not at all.

But it's what I need to do to make myself truly happy.

To make a world where I can really believe

That I am worth everything.

So one step at a time I turn and walk through my door

A door that will perhaps never be shut, but is a step towards greater things to come.

A step taken that identifies my own song

The next step in my story is letting go so I can grow.

And I need to take it so I can know

I am worth more than any word or any parchment or any desert or any mountain or any depth.

I deserve to grow.

So I do.